Not So Encouraging Group of People

I joined my school (then) Dragon Boat as a way to form better bonds with people, in hopes that I would have more stable school days. Adding on to the feeling of being able to rely and train well with the team. Things of course, didn't go according to plan. In turn, I had to deal with more problems at hand. Okay but on a slightly brighter note, it has taught me to be more disciplined, and admire the substance of the sport, in the waters.

Sadly, this teamwork was not prevalent during my residence in the Interest Group. My plan to perform much better and stronger with the team backfired me. Even till a point where some of my teammates stopped believing in me (or more like the team). Mind you, our team was already very small back then. From the start, I felt like I was marked down, preventing me from realising my true potential. I did not get to express how I really felt because I was already validated. I got to only explore the wonders of my physicality only till lately. Where I observe myself performing much better in the gym this year. 

I was reflecting on this whole idea of dragonboating earlier on due to the fact that my juniors had a race today. And I saw and talked to some paddlers that finished theirs yesterday. 

I thought of going back to it a couple of times. But fear holds me back. Fear of getting validated by your very own people. Fear of putting you out from races even though you trained hard for it. That literally happened to me during my final competition, all because of lame reasons like 'coming in a wrong attire and not overreacting to it'.  Back then I was really taken aback by where I stood to them. I was tremendously hurt not for a fact that I didn't get to take part in my last school match, but the way I was treated throughout the entire 2 years. So was my blood, sweat and tears all for nothing? Was I ever counted as part of my school's DB, the answer came right in my face. I blurted those things to my captain and 1 other teammate before taking my final stroll - to leave. After several contemplations and encouragement from a close friend of mine, I decided to return my paddle and vest for good. Maybe number 49 was at the Reservoir in vain, disallowed from competing. 

Since then, there is always some kind of awkwardness and embarrassment going back to the sport I've always admired. One reason partly due to seeing some familiar faces again. And people asking me whether "I am okay" now. Thinking of it makes me shudder at how toxic a dynamism of people could be, when placed together. 

Could I ever find a team that would accept me for me in mere future? I really can't tell. 

PS. This may seem like a victimization post, but my opinion is my own, yours is yours, fair and square. If you can relate, that's good for you. If you can't, ensure you treat others (with respect), the way you want to be treated honey.